“We’re going to need a bigger helicopter.”


Ya know, I didn’t even hear about it until late yesterday afternoon, when I caught a couple of random tweets about it. Thought: “Ha! I hope someone makes that movie!” I did not know someone actually had until about 1930 (7:30 in the evening, for you civilians), while watching a previously DVR’d episode of Ghost Hunters (yeah, I watch it. Sue me) and saw the promo.

It really wasn’t a Sharknado as much as a Sharkicane. But that sounds like a geriatric shark (or an antiseptic shark) which no one would watch, so SyFy chose to emphasize the last ten minutes or so, when three (count ’em, three) Sharknados (or is it Sharknadoes?) actually showed up. Now, best I can determine from the opening sequence, the sharks were seeking revenge for a shark fin soup deal gone bad. Why they picked Santa Monica, dunno. I’m guessing enough of the populace is sufficiently stoned enough of the time that no one would really question a Sharknado. I mean, if they’d showed up at San Diego, everyone would have gone, “Oh, please,” and the thing would have dissipated.

There was some kind of family subplot going on that I really didn’t care about, except Tara Reid  was involved somehow and I was thinking she might take off her top. She didn’t, but I stayed for it. John Heard, the only other recognizable face, was in it, too, but not for long. He got Sharknado’ed pretty early, primarily because he was under the opinion that a bar stool was the most effective weapon against them. I don’t think he took off his shirt, either.

I have no idea who the other actors (term used advisedly) were and, really, don’t care. Their function was to run over here and look at something, then run over there and look at something else. With chain saws. And a shotgun. The stripper, who said she wasn’t a stripper, is the best skeet shark shooter in the country. When the sharks were walking around (or wiggling with great energy), though, she had to put about 20-37 rounds in each of them, which means she ran out of ammunition quite a bit, which made shark skeet shooting a bit problematic. But there’re always chains saws. And homemade bombs thrown from helicopters. Did you know you can dissipate a Sharknado by throwing a homemade bomb at the convergence of the warm and cold air convections which are creating the Sharknados in the first place? Without too much buffeting of your helicopter which is flying into a tornado, filled with sharks?

Some suspension of belief is necessary.

I am amazed that the hero (I don’t know his name. Tara Reid’s ex, or sometime, husband in the movie. Which tells you a lot about this guys’ judgment) knew exactly which of the flying sharks in which to leap with a chainsaw so he could cut his, and the previously swallowed stripper, out of it. I mean, all sharks pretty much look the same to me. Except hammerheads. Which go splat when they land on you.

By the way, Sharknado was preceded by Super Shark , which you’ve got to see for the walking tank more than anything. It kicks.

So, bad movie, really bad movie, Mystery Science Theater 3000 bad. You’re welcome to watch it and judge for yourself, but, be warned: Sharknado will give you a Sharkbotomy.

This entry was posted in lesser mediums. Bookmark the permalink.

Comments are closed.