Ack Nowledge Mints, Part Deux

I give up. Despite railing against this trend before, it looks like fiction novel Acknowledgements are here to stay, as ubiquitous as mold in the basement. Just about every recently published novel has one.

Which baffles me, because a fiction novel springs fully armoured from the forehead of the author. It’s not a scholarly treatise, a dissertation, a biography, anything else that requires a ton of research at obscure scholastic libraries with even more obscure holdings that only specialists can access, so, yeah, acknowledge those people. And, yeah, there are some fiction novels that require extensive research and should include an Acknowledgement of the scholars who helped the author get the fabrics and customs of Georgian society correct. But that’s not the kind of Acknowledgements I’m finding. They’re more a summary of the Greatness That is Me, and how the leedle peeple helped me achieve this wondrousness. Let them eat cake.

It’s like the lord of the manor thanking the peasants for their taxes and their daughters. 

And because the quality and biliousness of these Acknowledgements vary from book to book, as a service to the literary community I am providing a standardized generic fiction Acknowledgements section that can be used in any manner of fiction novel, from romance to fantasy. Feel free to copy and adjust as necessary:

My Humble Acknowledgements:

I can’t thank everyone enough for all of the support and encouragement given me while I spent days and days and nights servicing my undeniable muse, resulting in this wonderful novel about werewolf elf women at war with the male oppressors of the orc kingdoms. I have no doubt this book will advance world peace. Or at least result in a Netflix series and everyone everywhere proclaiming the genius that is me. 

To do this meant I had to ignore a lot of things that I was responsible for, like employment and my family. I want to thank the kids for taking after-school jobs to pay the bills, doing the hard work around the house that always needs doing, and for going without meat and most vegetables while I pursued this necessary and extremely important vision. I will make it up to you when I get back from the world tour. Before I start the next novel in the series, of course.

My parents were instrumental in my success because they birthed me. If it hadn’t been for their giving up those selfish dreams of world travel and a paid off mortgage, then I would never have gotten the specialized attention from the numerous experts they consulted to help me understand that I am a creative and unique individual deserving of everyone’s attention. I would never have been able to write this important novel, which is so very different from every other novel written in the last ten years, at least, according to my agent. And my agent should know; she represents at least three other authors with Netflix series that sort of sound like mine but aren’t. Mine’s unique. And original.

And where would I be without the teachers who taught me how to read and write and the rules of English which are quaint and, really, shouldn’t be followed anymore because they’re so restrictive. And racist. That I had the privilege of attending public school like every other child in my neighborhood and learned the same things they did freed me to pursue my single-minded intent to be a world-famous author. Thank you, public servants, for doing this work. Thank you, grocers and baristas who fed me and kept me motivated and allowed me to use free wifi to find story ideas. Not that I got my ideas from anyone else. My book is unique. It is.

My writer’s circle was instrumental in this novel’s development, what with all the encouragement and support and urging from those members who got me and understood my vision. The others, the ones who said my novel was downright unreadable? What you gotta say now? 

And, finally, I want to especially thank my spouse because you’re supposed to do that in Acknowledgements, because we’re still married after all these years spent apart in the same house while I perfected this life changing novel. There is no doubt my spouse will benefit materially when the Netflix series comes online and can always bask in the glow of my celebrity at all the various conferences and TV shows I’ll have to attend. Where I’ll probably meet someone else and divorce and remarry a few times but, hey, that’s the lifestyle, ain’t it? 

Think I’ll put on my smoking jacket and light up a pipe.

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