The other day I got a really cheerful Email from TruConnect saying ‘Hi D### Krauss, let’s stay connected because we’ve noticed you haven’t been using your service and we don’t want you to be disconnected so how ‘bout you call someone or text someone or just surf the ‘net?’ I am not D### Krauss and have no idea what TruConnect is, but it was readily apparent that TruConnect had presumed my email address was that of their customer, D###. I can understand that. D### has a full first name that, when shortened, matches my Email, but it’s probably on a different platform. So I replied to TruConnect that they had mistaken me for another and that they should probably check the Email address again.
I then got another Email from Customer Care saying ‘hello D### and thanks for contacting us and that your account is active and here’s your phone number so be sure you text, call, or surf to keep it from being disconnected. If further assistance is needed, here’s Customer Care’s phone number.’ It was signed by J###. I said okay, let’s try this again: I’m still not D### Krauss and I have never applied for a TruConnect phone and since you seem to have D###’s phone number, why don’t you give him a call and get his real Email? Just a thought. And I signed it, Not D### Krauss.
So I got a third Email from them apologizing for the inconvenience and that they are happy to help but they needed additional information to locate the account, such as full name, account number and/or the TruConnect phone number. Which they had just sent me. This Email was signed by a different person, E###. At this point, I began to suspect aliens, but TruConnect turns out to be something worse: government.
It’s the Obama phone.
Which explains a lot. Being a government entity, their levels of competence and clarity are somewhat subdued. Everything is template and bot and if something is off then the templates and bots will respond relentlessly until you either (a) admit you are D### Krauss and immediately start using their service or (b) give up. I chose (b). I have many decades of dealing with government entities and that has always proven to be the best option.
Time goes by and nothing and I presume that either the real D### Krauss has gotten in touch with them asking why his phone doesn’t work or the statute of limitations has been reached and the bots have moved on. Then I got a big Email from TruConnect with headers and superscripts urging D### to use the service because we see you haven’t been so c’mon, man! At this point I’m really starting to worry about D###, so I let them know that I’m not he (yes, I know, dangerous to assume pronouns, especially when dealing with the government) and would you please check the Email again? Give D### a call, ya know? You’ve got the number. To which E### replies with an apology about my receiving these Emails and giving me instructions on how to block them.
Typical government. They cause the problem, but want me to fix it.
A few weeks go by and I figure we’re done. But no. ANOTHER Email begging me to do SOMETHING with the phone, anything, at least once a month, please D###, please! replete with a big clickable button that is guaranteed to keep my TruConnect service active! Now there is no way in hell I am going to click that button. One of those new IRS agents will come a’knockin’ lookin’ for my Obamaphone. Which I don’t have. Then why did you press the button? Ah, because I was doing D### a favor?
Come with us, sir.
So I replied with another EMail reminding them I am still not D###, still don’t have a TruConnect phone, and I am about to use them as material for a blog post about incompetent customer service and I will send them the link when it’s done.
Here you go, TruConnect.