150th Anniversary of Gettysburg

I went. It’s only 75 miles or so away and the 150th of anything comes only once so how could any self-respecting self-proclaimed history buff miss it? Apparently not many, because there was a whole lot of people there, a lot more than I figured. I mean, 1-3 July are workdays; who’s running the country? But showing up on the 4th makes you a day late, so tell the boss to stuff it.

I camped at Caledonia State Park, about 15 miles east of Gettysburg, the site of Thaddeus Stevens’ ironworks  (which Jubal Early took great delight in burning down). I’m too cheap to pay for a hotel and, besides, I’ve got all this camping gear taking up space in the garage so might as well put it to some use. Yep, that’s a genuwine Civil War era reproduction canvas tent that I used back in the days when I was a Civil war re-enactor on a gun crew.

See if you can spot me.

Inside the tent is a genuwine Civil War era inflatable mattress that decided to spring a slow leak. Every night. So, I started out very comfortable, but about 0300, it turned into an inflatable hammock—my head and feet were in the air, and my back was planted solid on the ground. Rocky ground, at that. And, every time I moved, it threatened to overturn.

Life is an adventure.

Genuwine camp coffee. 

Genuwine son and his ultra modern throw-it-on-the-ground high tech tent.

It rained the moment we got to the camp site, which meant we sat in the truck for an hour until it stopped, then ran out and put the tents up. We then went to Gettysburg.

Day Zero: I call it this because Jun 30th is the warm up for the main event, which started sort of unexpectedly on the morning of Jul 1st. We rode down Cashtown Pike, following the line of Lee’s approach and turned up Seminary Ridge because I was looking for a workaround. There is one thing you never do when visiting Gettysburg: drive downtown. Just. Don’t.

Well, Seminary Ridge was hopping. There were tents and re-enactors and food carts and all kinds of stuff going on. Intriguing. So we decided we’d come back after picking up some schedules at the Visitor Center, which was also hopping with all kinds of stuff going on, including a recreation of the Iron Brigade’s march from the Codori Farm to their positions on McPherson Ridge first thing tomorrow morning. The Iron Brigade? Cool!

We went back to Seminary Ridge and fell in, listening to concerts by a period group called Dearest Home,  strolling around the chapel and the Lutheran Seminary,  which, we discovered to our great delight, was going to open for tours starting 1 Jul. So, not only an Iron Brigade march, but a chance to see the famous cupola from which General Buford first surveyed the coming Confederates? Double cool!

We walked about the encampments, which were manned by living history participants. Living history is different from re-enacting—LH’rs take on the identity of a specific Civil War participant, while re-enactors recreate an entire unit. We ran into a gentleman and his lady,  a Mexican Confederate on the run from Maximilian’s forces (that’s what he told us) , and the bivouac of the Orphan Brigade,  which was odd. It’s not like they had anything to do with Gettysburg or any of the battles in the east, but, as one LH’r explained, how can you miss this?

It was getting dark about then and I didn’t feel like cooking so we grabbed some chicken wings from KFC and headed back. Good thing, because about one minute after we arrived, it started raining. Hard. We sat under the sport umbrella/gazebo for about two hours, polishing off the wings, while it rained in buckets. Oceans. Rivers. Thunder and lightening and wind, oh my. I was pretty sure we were going to get flooded out. It stopped about 2300, long enough for me to run inside the tent and crawl into my rapidly deflating air mattress. About one minute after that, it started raining again, continuing all night. Sheesh.

Day 1: 1 Jul. Starting a campfire in the morning was a bit of a project, especially since there is no firewood available in the campground. None. You have to buy it from local stores, or glean what you can from the deadfall which, after last night’s deluge, was about as flammable as a rock. I couldn’t even get the leaves to light. I did manage to pull together enough less-soggy twigs to heat up some coffee, but definitely not enough to cook breakfast so we figured we’d be studly pioneer types and forgo it. Down a cuppa, and off to the Iron Brigade march.

There they were, forming up on Cemetery Ridge just behind the Codori Farm,  under the clouds and drizzle. Also forming up was a surprising number of civilians intent on marching with them, about 600, I’d say.  I thought maybe 30-50 would show up, not this large group, which pretty much outnumbered the brigade itself.  That was a bit problematic because the Brigade noncomms were tasked with forming us into columns of four and marching us behind the Brigade itself, quite the daunting prospect.  It was, as one person later described, quite akin to herding cats, and came about in some semblance of military order primarily due to the efforts of this guy, who was magnificent. Even led us in cheers along the way.

So, we’re off.    It was cool weather, no sun, a downright cold breeze blowing. Thank God, because this turned out to be downright grueling. About a mile into it, I was getting light headed and had the chest flutters. Possibly I should have eaten something. Even more possibly, I should have dropped out. But if you think I was going to wimp out in front of my son…rather drop dead there on the field. Which seemed like a distinct possibility, at a couple of points. If it had been five degrees hotter, I’d’ve been another Gettysburg casualty.

View from the back of the line.

Finally, two hours later (we stopped a couple of times so Park Rangers could point out some interesting aspects of the march, and to gulp water. And catch breath) we reached the place where the Iron Brigade charged McPherson Ridge,  General Reynolds urging them to get “those people” out of the woods. Which turned out to be his last words, since he was felled moments later by a Confederate sniper. It was, also, the last march and the last charge of the Iron Brigade, which took so many casualties in those woods that they pretty much evaporated, sacrificing themselves to buy time for the Union. Hoo rah, mates.

My son and I rushed back to the Seminary afterwards so we could beat the crowd for cupola tour tickets, grabbing a couple of slots for 3:15, almost the last ones available. People wanted in. We got lunch (breakfast) at a great hamburger coach parked near the corner and visited the area where Perrin’s brigade was slaughtered as they were driving the Union off Seminary Ridge. We caught naps on the wet ground while listening to a Union regimental band  for a while,  and just toured about.

Great dog.

Great dress.

Great Caesar’s Ghost!  Dad, what were you thinking?

The bellows guy is either hard at work or adjusting the blacksmith’s headband.

Them LH’rs eat good.  

Ten year old with a drum.  Dad, what were you thinking?

Parents are going to regret this.

Then it was cupola tour time.  

The views were spectacular.    

Quite satisfying.

But, also, myth-busting. The guide told us there’s only a 50/50 chance that Buford actually scaled the cupola to look around. His signal officer, definitely, but Buford? Maybe not. And there is no way he and Reynolds held a conversation between cupola and the ground below, as depicted in the movie, Gettysburg.  Unless Buford had a powered megaphone.

We then had to walk back two miles to get the truck, cutting through neighborhoods and parks, and I ended up feeling like this:  so we grabbed something to eat, went back to the campsite (after buying firewood), got a scrawny fire going, showered, then passed out.

And it rained all night, necessitating lockdown.

Day 2: Jul 2. There was a march through Devil’s Den scheduled at 1330 so, after a breakfast of cornbread, chicken, and scrambled eggs, courtesy of moi and my stubborn insistence on a campfire and food, we headed back to McPherson Ridge to finish up some 1st Day’s Battle events. We went back to the Iron Brigade field and the spot where Reynolds was killed, and then into the woods where the rest of the Brigade perished.  Pretty thick going, and a nasty place for a fight.

Someone rendered tribute.

We then followed the path of the 6th Wisconsin, which was detached from the Iron Brigade to the other side of the field  (the far distance is the location they marched from) where brigades of Confederates were attempting to get behind Buford by using a very steep railroad cut.  The Confederates didn’t get far.

We then drove over to Devil’s Den and found pretty much the same 600 people from the Iron Brigade march waiting there.  Tenacious group. The Park Ranger briefed us  and we were on our way.

Another cool, misty breezy day, thank God again, because this march, although not even half the distance, was every bit as grueling. It involved an incredible amount of scrambling over very large boulders, and my old man’s body protested every rocky step of the way. I felt like this guy.

We started at the triangular field, over which a whole boatload of quite perturbed Texans and Arkansans came pouring to scale the Den, cross the Wheatfield and launch straight at Little Round Top, with various New York and Pennsylvania units objecting. Without going into details, it was bloody awful.

Along the way, we ran into the Union Chief of Artillery, BGen Henry Hunt, a Calvary officer dressed for the prom, and a vivandiare. A member of Kershaw’s Brigade held his position on top of the Den.   While a member of the 6th New Jersey  was relaxing among the very rocks where his predecessors held up the screaming Rebel hordes long enough for Col Strong Vincent to take Little Round Top.   New Jersey boys getting into a dustup and holding their own. Waddya expect?

We then went to the Peach Orchard and the Wheatfield  to follow the feckless Dan Sickles‘ attempt to lose the entire war. I love Dan Sickles. The guy was an effin’ screwup, a fraud, a mediocrity, a criminal, the first person to successfully use the temporary insanity defense in a trial for murder, treated his family like crap, yet still, is credited by some with winning the Battle of Gettysburg. Inspiring. There’s hope yet that my own, rather mediocre, writing career will one day blossom under some similar misperception. I could not leave the field without paying special homage to Dan Sickle’s missing leg.

The next (exhausting) event was a tour of the Culp’s Hill/Cemetery Ridge portion of the 2nd Day’s battle, a curiously unknown aspect which I had, curiously, ignored on previous visits. We had to pass through the National Cemetery to get there, where the Union dead were gathered and interred and then, later, President Lincoln showed up and gave some speech.  

We got to West Cemetery Hill and, wouldn’t you know, the same 600 people were there waiting?

Cemetery Hill   is where the remnants of the Iron Brigade ended up after their dismantling on McPherson Ridge, and the poor guys then had to endure one of the most confusing, baffling goat-rope types of fights any solider ever had. It was, as the Park Ranger described, a microcosm of the entire Battle itself, with routs and charges and confusion and night fighting and even a Pickett’s-charge like breakthrough by the Confederates.

Essentially (and with much glossing over of detail), Ewell  sent Hays from this field  up this slope  while taking fire on their flank from a bunch of very happy Union gunners on Stevens Knoll  to attack a group of very unhappy Union soldiers on top of the hill who were thinned out because Meade had to send most of the troops from there to rescue that idiot Sickles who was getting mauled in the Wheatfield (see how this all ties together?). Hays actually made it  but had to run away when Ewell called off a supporting attack. Members of the 2nd Maryland color guard   didn’t have very nice things to say about Ewell.

We then took a quick look at the original Evergreen Cemetery,  which is overshadowed by the National Cemetery next door. 

This pretty much says it all.

The grave of General James Gettys, the town’s namesake.

Other interesting graves, including a local who fought for the Confederacy and famous local names.    And this one:  Dr. Pretz, killed in WW1, his widow passing 54 years later.

End of the day in the National Cemetery,    capped by this stunning celestial event:

Awesome

Day 3, Jul 3: Rained all night, again, but, this time, with the help of Matchlight charcoal, we had another rousing breakfast of cornbread, the leftover chicken, and eggs embellished with onions and peppers. I am the camp gourmet. We were leisurely because the only event of the day was the much anticipated Pickett’s Charge at 1530. Participants could chose to be Confederates and march across the field, or choose to be Union and wait behind the stone wall. We elected to be Union. I’d pretty much had my fill of running across broken ground. Besides, it was scheduled to be actually hot today and, well, discretion is the better part of valor.

So we took our leisurely selves over to Gettysburg about noon and…holy Hannah, where in the blue blazes did all these people come from? Smack myself in the forehead: of course! It’s July 3rd, so a lot of people have taken off in conjunction with tomorrow’s holiday and, besides, it’s Pickett’s Charge—everyone wants to do that. I found a pretty decent parking spot on a side street we had recon’d earlier in the week, so got to the site relatively unscathed. We spent time searching for the location of Woodruff’s battery   , which I thought a good spot to observe the festivities since Woodruff had taken Pickett in the flank, pretty much devastating Davis’ portion of the Charge.   I didn’t find the exact location until after the events,  but close enough for government work.

The “herding cats” syndrome was in full swing for this event, the Charge somehow starting around 1500, thirty minutes early, by spontaneous and unexpected movement from the Confederate side of the field.

The Union wasn’t worried.  

It sort of unfolded in a rather underwhelming manner,    but got sort of respectable.  

Not exactly the most intimidating group   but, hey, fun.

We then ran into the 1st Maryland color guard  resting under the shade of the trees because it was godawful hot by now and began talking to this guy, who is a descendant of Snowden Andrews, the 1st Maryland’s artillery chief. He’d been trying for years to buy his ancestor’s artifacts, including Andrews’ frock coat which recently sold at auction for well over $100,000. Why so much? Well, the guy told us this jaw-dropping tale of Snowden getting disemboweled at Cedar Mountain by an artillery round, lying there for four hours as medics passed by going, “He’s toast.” Snowden, apparently, disagreed with that diagnosis and stuffed his intestines back inside himself and then sealed the wound with leaves and grass. Stonewall Jackson’s medical officer thought this demonstrated a will to live and hauled him off to a hospital, where a silver plate was sewn over the wound and the guy survived, was appointed by Lee as his first Secret Service agent and sent to Germany to get arms from the Kaiser, who said Americans were pussies. Snowden showed him his wound, and the Kaiser said, “You can have anything you want.”

Wow.

We also ran into the rest of the Orphan Brigade  (made so by a dearth of participants), and a falcon on top of a telephone pole  who was letting the world know he was not happy about this situation, not at all.

We then headed off to Little Round Top because you just can’t visit Gettysburg without doing so  At the bottom of the hill,  we ran into members of the 124th New York and their ladies, piled them into the back of the pickup and took them up the hill, for which they were quite grateful. Doing our part to support the troops.

We then headed off to a little known part of the 1st Day’s Battle called the Brickyard. We ran into elements of the 154th New York there, including this guy, who is a descendant of Benjamin Hotchkiss, the inventor of the Hotchkiss gun, and had another ancestor in the 154th. He told us the 154th and others, about 890 men, took position behind a picket fence located between the two markers    in ranks about 8-9 deep, in an attempt to stop the Confederate charge through Gettysburg. The first line would fire, fall back, second line would step up, fire, fall back, etc, and things were going pretty good until they ran out of ammunition. They got slaughtered. The unit pretty much ceased to exist.

The mural on the side of the building depicts all.  

And, with that, we were done.

We stopped at an Italian restaurant (that’s what the sign said) because I was too beat to cook. Man, getting old is hell. We put on an amazingly good campfire (finally), crashed, got up the next morning, made coffee, packed up, and went home, where I lay in a stupor for the next two days.

I need another vacation.

Posted in Life in the Shenandoah Valley, Tomb Stories | 1 Comment

R.I.P., Richard Matheson

I first heard about Richard Matheson back in the 60’s, when I watched a Saturday afternoon TV showing of The Incredible Shrinking Man. I was ten or so, and the cat scared me to death, ditto the spider. But, that ending…I was blown away, as any ten year old is capable of being blown away, by the idea that a man was going to enter eternity from the other end, from the smallest of gateways. I wondered if Robert Carey was still shrinking, still wandering the particleverse.

For some reason, Richard Matheson’s name stuck with me from the credits, and it was always a delight ever after to be watching a Twilight Zone episode and see his name there, or know that the excellent beatnicky movie The Last Man on Earth was actually I Am Legend, which I got around to reading when I was a teenager and found superior to the film and its subsequent versions, The Omega Man (although it was pretty cool) and that last dreadful one with Will Smith. Seemed like his name was showing up at least once a week on something or other, from Have Gun Will Travel  to other westerns.

So I read his anthologies when I came across them, adding them to the stack of books I collected every ten days or so from the library. He was part of a group of writers I always read, like Ray Bradbury, Robert Heinlein, Damon Knight, Clifford Simak, pretty much the founding fathers of what we now call speculative fiction. Well, my founding fathers, at any rate.

Gone now, just like that little thrill of possibility stories like his provided me back then.

Good journey, Richard.

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The people you run into

So, just strolling around the Winchester City walking mall after buying a pair of water shoes so I can wade the Shenandoah in search of the wily brown trout, when I came across these guys:

The Presidents of the United States, Confederate States, the general staffs of the Union and Confederate armies, their wives and children, circa 1863.

Startin’ fights:

 

Hittin’ on chicks:

 

You’re all drunk.   Go home.

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Does not the stone rebuke me?

Hied I, to the Shakespeare Theater in the District to see The Winter’s Tale, a play I knew nothing about and deliberately did not research because I wanted to see if Shakespeare could still be deciphered in this American Idol world. And, well, yeah, I do have some passing acquaintance with the guy and did read the program synopsis, but Tale is lesser Shakespeare and no memorable line from it comes to mind, so it felt like a level playing field.

And now I know why it is lesser: man, what a bummer of a play. I felt like crap when it ended.

Not because of the performance; oh no, STC was up to its usual standards. The play was directed by Rebecca Taichman,  who did an outstanding job with an earlier Taming of the Shrew, and included one of my favorite STC actors, Tom Story, who was a scream in The Government Inspector and proved another scream as Clown in this one. But, I tell ya, Mark Harelik  absolutely stole the show. The guy was freakin’ amazing, doing complete role changes right before your eyes, putting on an absolutely hilarious performance as the grifter, Autolycus, and an absolutely stunning performance as Leontes, the King, who should have been on Librium. Maybe this whole thing wouldn’t have happened.

And that’s what makes this whole play such a bummer—the events just shouldn’t have happened. Three deaths, two kingdoms torn apart, two lifelong friends now enemies, sorrow and tragedy simply because Leontes took counsel of his own delusions. Man. So unnecessary. And, yeah, there’s a magical ending and everything’s okay, now, but, no it’s not. It’s never going to be. The course of lives was diverted for nothing more than a misperception, with so many following years of tragedy. The bird with the broken wing does not fly so high, and this is a whole flock of broken-winged birds struggling to reach an altitude of peace, always just out of reach. And, yeah, Leontes suffers his own penance through those same years but, dude, it was all just so unnecessary.

So unnecessary.

The last scene, where the stone rebukes Leontes in the form of Hermione’s statue, got me the most. First of all, the beautiful Hannah Yelland  played the doomed queen with such a level of astonished injustice that she just about stole the show from Harelik. If Shakespeare had given her one more scene, then she would’ve. But as the statue, frozen, tragic, she became a monument to how one man can affect so many lives so badly. Even when she is restored to life and kingdom, she bears the cracks across her face forever.

What a bummer.

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My Top Five Favorite Books

I turned 58 years old the other day. The horror, the horror. So, I gots to thinkin’ about which of the millions of books I’ve read (and it depresses me that phrase doesn’t read the “millions of dollars I earned” or “millions of women I dated”) were my favorites. After an intensive, scientific review (I downed some Jack and fell asleep), here they are, not in any particular order:

1. The Forgotten Door, by Christopher Key. I read it when I was eleven or twelve years old. A lot of very bad things were happening in my family at the time, and I really, really wanted to find that Door and get the hell oudda there.

2. Knee Deep in Thunder, by Sheila Moon. I read this when I was about thirteen or fourteen. Got it out of the Bookmobile which used to show up in our godforsaken part of Alabama every ten days or so. The last couple of pages, where Maris watches the boy (Jetsam?) dwindling in the distance, got to me.

Tied with it is a book called The Little Shepherd of Kingdom Come, by John Fox. I read it at about age 12, when I was hospitalized because of some mysterious fever I kept having. Turns out I just didn’t want to be at home. Anyways, this book, with the schmaltzy title, is one of the most tearing stories of loss I ever read.

3. East of Eden, by John Steinbeck. Ten times better than The Grapes of Wrath, this is fin de siecle at its best.

4. Nightworld by F. Paul Wilson. Probably one of the scariest books ever written.

5. Empire Falls by Richard Russo.  Just read it and tell me that I’m wrong.

This, of course, doesn’t list the five best series I ever read, or the best scifi or fantasy or whatever. Gist for future posts.

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The Adventures of Gracie the Wander Cat: Helpin’ out

That D. Krauss is some piece of work. Gets up early, reads the paper, goes off on some silly bicycle for awhile, then sits and bangs on a keyboard for no apparent reason. Get a job, dude.

Obviously, the guy needs help, and I pitch in where I can. Like, whenever he presents an empty lap, I’m right on it so he doesn’t waste any energy slapping the keyboard around.

 

Just think of how much carpal tunnel I’ve saved him.

I take up some of the research slack, too.

Check his spelling.

Look for that mouse he keeps talking about.

Collate,  while jammin’

Man, Aerosmith can blow your hair back.

Watch the hands, bub.

Who says Wander Cats are useless?

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Tomb Stories: Battlefields and Graveyards

National Cemetery, Winchester, Virginia.

Creepiness: Non-existent. C’mon, it’s a national cemetery,

Coolness: Five stars. C’mon, it’s a national cemetery.

A fitting subject for Memorial Day, considering that this cemetery:

   

 

is also a battlefield:

 

So no fooling around allowed in here. Better keep that speed confined to a walk, mister.

The first ones interred here were the ones who fell here, mostly in mass graves:

  

There are monuments commemorating them:            

And graves of their known dead grouped about: 

 

During the battle, the 8th Vermont did a bayonet charge:

 

Exactly one month later, they did the same thing at the Battle of Cedar Creek.

Badasses:

James Mathers rests under the shade of the tree.

James Parson rests IN the tree.

Others, from other wars, joined them later:   

And those were joined by family, like the Leggs:

 

Both born the same year, she on Christmas Day, dying at 56 years old. He went on another 20 years, alone.

The Whitlocks:

Almost a reverse, he dying just before he turned 38 years old, and she living another 57 years past him.

What a great name.   

She lost her son then her husband.

Now this one’s interesting:

Charles Anders Blake died on the day Japanese resistance ended on Iwo Jima. Was he one of that battle’s last American casualties? His grave is located next to this guy:  One of the casualties of the Third Battle of Winchester. Related? Don’t know, the internet is not forthcoming.

And here’s John Beug:

Two Distinguished Flying Crosses and two Air Medals. Now, sure, by the end of WW2, the Army was handing out DFC’s and Air Medals like candy, but you still had to go on lots of missions and shoot down lots of German planes to get just one.

Badass.

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The Return of Joffrey Charlemagne

Some of you (well, the 1 or 2 of you who actually come back to this blog) may be wondering what, exactly, has Jason Smith been up to after his succesful Indiegogo campaign. Well, wonder no more:

 

1. So, how’s the project going?

Well, I’ve sold all assets and moved to Maui where I am currently writing to you. JK, pre-production for the second half of Losing Cable 2 is going swimmingly. We’re nearly finished building and decorating the sets, getting everyone’s wardrobe fitted just right, and tweaking the scripts so that it lives up to the bold claims of this series being the “Citizen Kane” of stoner comedies.

 2. Was Mafia money included in the totals?

Unofficially, no. Officially, yes. 

3. Where’d you get the cool space stuff?

A few months ago I found this fan film for a video game I really love where the filmmakers bought some motocross body armor and painted it all pretty. It looked like a legitimate sci-fi space suit, so I thought I’d copy that process, because I’m definitely not clever enough to come up with ideas like that on my own. So I, too, bought a few motorcycle helmets along with other motocross body armors, and am currently in the process of painting everything. I also picked up a few kevlar neck slips to make the helmet and body armor look connected and flow together, along with shiny black gloves and knee pads. I’ll be writing a blog on the whole process in the coming weeks, so definitely stay tuned for that. Spoiler alert: glossy paint samples from Lowes are your best friend. 

4. What cast additions are you planning?

Well the biggest thing, and what I’m super excited about, is bringing quick fun characters into the script who are played by the $100 IndieGoGo donators. The reward for that perk during our fundraising campaign promised a flash of brilliance as a memorable character in an episode. So far, I have a war-hero-gay-janitor who leaves origami animals (Blade Runner style) throughout the hotel our protagonists are staying in, also a mega fanboy who knows all sorts of Space Commander lore at the convention, and even Odin Ruler of Asgard.

Aside from that, a friend of mine came up with an awesome character that we’ve been writing together for Space Commander named Garry. Garry’s basically a test dummy for all dangerous missions and a throwback to the “red shirts” of the original Star Trek who always seemed to die first on every mission. Raul sends Garry into a hot zone, Garry inevitably dies, is cloned, and then rushes back into the hot zone, repeating as necessary. He’s kind of like a super manic Data from Next Generation, who’s also strangely giddy and stuck in this 1950’s “Leave it to Beaver” personality.

I’m also including a new character in the LC2 world named Gunther, who is the leader of the Patch Scouts (think Boy Scouts minus the lawsuit), who was hired by Jordan off of Craigslist to run the Senate campaign for Joffrey. Gunther’s a real by-the-book guy who’s super serious about his job, unlike Joffrey.

One more big new character is Reginald Wallace, the soon to be father-in-law of Charles, who is also the competition for Joffrey Charlemagne as he runs for Senate. He’s a war hero who’s been in the Senate basically since it’s inception, but he also has a secret that we’ll learn about later in the series. He’s got a lot more to him than meets the eye and plays a huge role in the story as things start spiraling out of control. 

5. Who’s going to play the parts?

Konrad Turnbull, who came up with the idea of Garry, will also be playing that character. He’s British, which makes the series mega legit since the cast is now suddenly all diversified and stuff.

Jake Rakowski, who also plays Jensen and Chef, will be playing Gunther as well. He’ll be playing three characters at once, but I have explanations as to why this works because I’m awesome at covering my bases.

Edward Rakowski (Jake’s dad), will be playing the role of Reginald Wallace. He played one of the three main characters in the feature film I made a few years ago called “A Chrome Horse and a Diplomat“. He’s an awesome dude and a blast to work with and he’ll be working with a lot of alum from Chrome Horse, which I’m stoked for. 

6. Has success spoiled Jason Smith?

My cat told me the other day that I’m but a shell of the man I once was. I think once you get that 100th subscriber on YouTube, your life forever changes. I mean, I’m snorting coke off of stripper’s thighs while sky diving into volcanoes just to feel some semblance of an existence. You reach that high of attaining 100 subscribers and you think, “Well, I guess I’ve made it. Now what?”. I think after Losing Cable 2 wraps, I’ll retire somewhere in the South Pacific and play russian roulette with Kiribati pirates for the rest of my days. Something simple. 

7. If you could be any color you choose, what would it be?

It’s always a toss up between Atomic Tangerine and Purple Mountain’s Majesty. Both real colors, I assure you. But if Jason Smith was a color then I’d chose me, of course, which would resemble something like Mauvelous (still a real color). 

8. When can we expect a Joffrey Charlemagne for President campaign?

I’m all for a Losing Cable 3, Commander-In-Chief Edition. I think America is ready for the Joffreyocalypse (which is not a real color, sadly). Let’s see if he can get through this Senatorial campaign first though. It’s gonna be a hell of a ride. 

9. Is there swag?

To quote the bible: “Yes, there is swag.” 

10. Is your Mom still hoping you get a real job?

I think she gave up all hope of me being normal long ago.

 

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Iron Man 3: Attack of the Lava People

My son treated me to an early birthday present by getting me tickets to the Iron Man Marathon, prelude to Iron Man 3. Yeah, I’m a geek. Even won a poster and a cell phone sticker answering some trivia questions during the shows. And it was quite the pleasure seeing, in Imax 3D, Iron Man 1-2, then the Avengers, which is the Greatest Movie of All Time, and then, and then! the much anticipated, much ballyhooed, Iron Man 3

What. The. Hell?

Iron Man 3 is a big fat middle finger directed at comic book fans across the world. It just is. It looks like Shane Black, during the production meeting, said, “You want a comic book movie? I’ll give you a comic book movie. I’ll stuff it with every single stupid comic book thing I can think of. Those comic book people are too dumb to know a good movie anyway, so we’ll make billions!”

And he was true to his word, because this was bait-and-switch at its most cynical. You probably think the Mandarin is in this movie. He ain’t. You might even think A.I.M. is in it. They’re not. And you might even expect Tony Stark to, get this, actually be Iron Man in it. But, he’s not. And, oh yeah, there’s another Iron Man called Iron Patriot and that’s War Machine, but uh, uh; uh uh, it’s noooooot!

Big fat middle finger.

Best I can figure from the incomprehensible plot, some lava people are going around exploding and some guy is A.I.M but isn’t; is, instead, the King of the Lava People and blames some actor for the explosions so it’s terrorism, man, not my Lava People formula causing people to randomly explode. And Tony Stark has PTSD.

Got it?

No mention, anywhere, of possible threads to the Avengers’ upcoming Thanos battle: no Ten Rings, no Infinity Gauntlet, not even, as my son pointed out, S.H.I.E.L.D.

Just a great big fat middle finger, America.

Posted in lesser mediums, Merry Marvel Marching Society | 1 Comment

Coriolanus versus Wallenstein: this time it’s personal

After spending two Saturdays in a row attending Shakespeare Theater’s productions of Coriolanus/Wallenstein in repertory, I came to new appreciations of arrogance and hubris. My own efforts in both areas fall short of mastery. But I’m working on it.

Coriolanus is the arrogant one, of course, a man so loathe to mix with his lessers that he loses his city and his honor. Wallenstein is hubristic to the point of megalomania. And, yeah, one could just be a rest stop on the road to the other, but a subtlety separates them: Coriolanus, while contemptuous of just about everyone except the guy in the mirror (and, man, what a Mom complex), loves his country and family and is willing to fight to the death for both. Wallenstein only loves himself, and is willing to sell out country and daughter and friends to keep that self-regard. The difference is stark in both productions. Good job, Michael Kahn.

You’ve probably seen the movie version of Coriolanus, you know, Ralph Fiennes, Gerard Butler, Vanessa Redgrave, lots of Hollywood royalty running around declaiming. But you were probably scratching your head about halfway through and going, “Geez, Martius, get with the program, why doncha?” Was the guy mental? Eh, lesser Shakespeare, shrug it off. But, I tell ya, after watching Patrick Page’s interpretation of the title role, the play made sense. Sorry, Ralph, you’re a great actor, but you missed it.

Coriolanus was one of the loudest productions I have ever seen anywhere, with drums banging and gongs sounding and a lot of yelling and jumping around. Very stimulating. And Page was maniacal. You don’t want to get into a dustup with this guy. But what shone through in his portrayal was the character’s basic honor, his unselfishness. Now, yeah, Martius is a jerk, not a guy you want over for Sunday tea, but he’s also a straight shooter and, well, them Roman lumpenproletariat are just not people you want at Sunday tea, either, so you can see Coriolanus’ point. He’s simply not willing to kiss their derrieres, and, boy, does he make that clear. To everyone. In public. Which has a somewhat deleterious effect on his political career, so he gets exiled (which is a bit of overreaction, I must say) and Martius, in turn, overreacts by joining the enemy and laying waste to the countryside. Excessive way to prove a point, methinks. But this is a play of excess so it works.

But, tell ya, Coriolanus is a far more principled man than Wallenstein, who is, basically, a dick. For all his larger-than-life hailfellowwell met “I am one of you low scum soldiers” posturing, I was ready to jump on stage and smack him with a halberd. What a calculating, backstabbing jackass, switching sides as the mood hit him, selling out his troops left and right, all for the wonder that is he. Steve Pickering  was just outstanding in the role.

Both productions used the same staging, a stark mass of cement that was bleak and loveless, as befitting both plays. The other actors/actresses did an extremely good job, but were overpowered by the lead. If that’s intended, okay, because there was definitely no scene stealing. I did very much like Derrick Lee Weeden, who played Sicinius in Coriolanus and Kolibas in Wallenstein, because he has got just the best voice. And Brian Russell is a naturally funny guy, providing the only comic relief in a hilarious chest-bumping scene with Max Reinhardsen (who is equally funny) and Jaysen Wright in Coriolanus, and as the hapless Harvaty in Wallenstein.

So, kiddies, if you have an overblown sense of your own importance, be a Coriolanus. Or a successful Wallenstein.

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